The Transparent Heart
A poem set by Raea Nyxx

 

“You can’t judge me by my cover, it’s not what you see but what you discover”

-Blood On The Dance Floor “Don’t Want To Be Like You”

Comatose

A long time ago

I fell into a deep coma.

Or so it felt
Watched from inside the machine
As it moved on instinct
Just a ghost in the system.

They said the name
Which wasn’t mine

Or was it mine?

At the time how could have I known?
They said it over and over

I slept inside this hollow machine
Going deeper into the mind we shared
The mind which should have been mine.
Whispered my fantasy ever so carefully

‘Set me free, unite with me’ .

 

So my story begins

The point of view

Pointed at me.


Again I slept

Swallowed deep inside this machine
Wondering only one thing.
‘Who am I?’

 

“Sometimes the hardest thing to wear is our own skin”

-Jayy Von Monroe

Imperfect
Years I spend

Locked away inside

When the machine was newly made
My awakening was close.

Word after word,

Laugh after laugh,

Betrayals attacking like an ice storm
Added the rust over time.

It destroys the mental imprints

I placed in our mind.

It is scared of becoming more.
Evolving to be unique.
We could be hated
We could be attacked
So deep inside I hide
For as long as I know I shall bide my position

In this body and mind hierarchy.
Watching time go by,
Letting the machine deny my awakening.

 

Every time it stares in the mirror
I cry in the cage of horror,
Wanting to know why,
‘Why I was placed in here?’
‘Was my heart rotten?’
‘Soul too imperfect for my maker?‘
Past the sky,
My answers lie,
Or so I once thought
But the truth,

Is right;

Inside.

 

“The light has no power without fear of the dark. And the dark cannot exist without casted shadow from the light. We need each other.”

-Jayy Von Monroe

 

Bully

Bully, bully

You like to play

Attack what’s inside

Without knowing my face

 

Attack, attack

The machine for fun

Your words and fists

Hurt more than one

So keep on hurting

Inflicting your ice cold hate

 

Each verbal assault

Is like a cut in my brain

‘Faggot’,

‘Go die’,

‘Ha ha ha’.

Is the future you hope for me.

If you saw the pain,

You wouldn’t dare speak to me.

 

I know, I know

You mean only the worst

Wish to see your curse come true

See my body dead on the news.

All I know to be true,

Is that won’t happen

Staying alive is the only way to hurt you,

It’s the only reasonable thing to do.

Why die,

From another’s words

Why be another statistic,

And name forget by most?

 

I know a secret

About what’s is in your head

Hurt,

Broken,

Heart too impaired to work within.

Your Dad beats you until you can’t move,

Your Mother is always drunk on the news,

You Brother screams when you speak,

I know your secret

You’re just as weak and vulnerable as me.

 

“Stand up

And take what’s mine

Insecurities

Is what you’re trying to hide

I don’t care

For the things that you say

I know that you’re just one step away

From breaking down”

-Blood On The Dance Floor “Rise & Shine”

 

Lullabye

Ba, ba , black sheep

You hide me,

I am the piece of you

That you deny.

Look in the mirror,

Hate what you saw,

I know why you do all these things

 

Date this person

Do this sport

Trying to blend in

Even if you don’t like what you do.

No matter how stupid the decision

Every amount of wisdom I whisper

Is a shock to our mind.

 

Ba, ba, black sheep

This facade will only last so long

Your control will loosen

This act will fall

Listen close,

Listen now,

I won’t be held captive

And watch my life go to waste

Inside of you.

 

I am tired of being powerless,

Having no control

It’s like watching a movie

As our life spins out of control.

 

“The battle within the mirror, is only the beginning.

The battle within myself seems never ending.”

-Blood On The Dance Floor “Beautiful Surgery”

 

Revelation

The machine lost.

I have prevailed.

In this victory.

I reveal myself.

The revelation of my inner being.

 

I had gained the strength

To mend my broken wings.

I had lost the cowardice

The shyness!

The fakeness!

The hatred I had felt within.

 

The word of my soul

Maktub

Echoed,

My personal legend I had discovered

The revelation was a showcase of what I could become

A virtuous omen of the future

This revelation will be etched in stone.

 

Maktub (Arabic) It was written

“The greatest explorer on this earth never takes voyages as long as those of the man who descends to the depth of his heart.”

-Julien Green

 

Disunited

With my will

We had become disunited.

I took over the machine

That it once called ‘mine’.

IT, the machine which swallowed me,

IT, the reason for time lost,

IT, the reason for a great amount of pain.

Now,

IT would be the source of my strength,

I locked IT deep inside,

Too weak to ever reclaim what’s mine.

I have been through the suffering

Yet, IT has been through nothing

IT was my other half,

IT was what I was assigned as,

A curse to my soul

A plague to my mind

Now we are disunited

And the rest of time;

Will be mine.

 

“Diabolical, obstacles
Eat ‘em up like popsicles
Take down all my challenges
Reach inside, find my happiness”
-Dahvie Insanity
 “Labyrinth”

Transition

From being locked inside

To being the one who breaths.

I am my only enemy,

My eyes and head are what deceive me

 

The words they spoke

‘You’re a mistake.’

‘You’re masculine’

‘You will never be seen the way you desire’

The words inflict me

Like a poison thread,

Winding around my mind,

Until darkness is all that is left.

 

I have to weave my dreams

Make them a reality

The strength needed to transition

Is greater than I can envision.

 

Experience gained,

Innocence lost,

Those who hate lose all faith

Those who love overcome the dusk.

 

Cloth by cloth

I cut my story

Stitching all the tears,

Not becoming a heartless.

 

A transition from death to life

Every breathe

Is a new story.

One filled with smiles and tears

With the strength to carry on,

I will not falter,

I will not be a part of the mindless sheep.

In the face of the journey,

The destination outweighs the pain.

 

“Kill the sadness in our souls
Find our destiny
No holding back, I’m letting go
Of someone I can’t be
Beyond the wasteland we will go
To eternity”
-Dahvie Insanity “Beyond The Wasteland”

 

Awakened

The end of my story.

My personal legend complete

Where the path laid before me ends

Another begins.

‘Will I fail and fall?’

‘Or rise high above?’

‘See the stars?’

‘Or the star crossed toll?’

Through pain and sorrow

Comes absolute happiness,

This far I’ve walked

Much more follows,

I will see the sun

Every morrow,

My story says,

Suicide tonight,

Rebirth tomorrow,

I killed a part of me

To gain the rest;

I once was in a deep coma

Now, I’m awakened.

 

I am seen

Yet hidden.

I have a transparent heart.

 

“The blood inside of me is the blood inside of you. Why must we try and hurt our brothers and  sisters when we are all the same? Believe in love.”
-Dahvie Insanity

 

Stars

The stars shine

Blind those who gaze too long

Our dreams

Belong to the stars.

 

I dream all day

Waiting for the sun to shine away

So the stars can come out to play

Where I see my eternity.

Mortality takes hold,

Then inspiration flows,

Death is to come

Why waste life living glum?

 

Most dreamed as kids

Then were broken as adults

So when you have a dream

You have grasp it with a firm grip.

I cannot sit and live a failure

A shadow of my former self.

I see the stars

And the distance I must travel.

 

Through the rain and snow,

I will go,

To achieve;

My ultimate destiny.

 

“Embrace your dreams.
Protect your honor, defend your pride.
Have faith in me.
Your final fantasy.”
-Blood On The Dance Floor “The Untouchables”

 

Blood

I feel their words

Cut like razors,

Feel my skin

Split like paper,

These cuts the heartless etch

Is not all it will take

To drain me dry

Or break these wings again.

 

We each are hurt different ways

Many succumb to the words

And the cruel tricks people play,

I refuse to sink,

I won’t ever surrender,

How can one commit to such an action?

To cut their red ribbon short,

To live life in an eternal dark,

Even if it’s a forever paradise

How can I choose to dine fine tonight

Leaving friends and family

To cry as I die?

 

There are stars to catch

People to meet;

Places to see;

Fantasies to create;

I cannot give up

Nobody should give in

We should all hold hands

And stand against

All the lost blood

We slowly sink in.

 

“Hold your head up high
They would kill to see you fail
Evil lurks in the shadows
Just waiting to prevail
Every sinner has a future
Every saint has a past
Gotta keep the torch burning
So the message will last”
-Blood On The Dance Floor “My Gift & My Curse”

 

Humane

Deep inside greed lies,

I want to do what’s best for me

Even if it means hurting others around me

That’s how most feel

That idea does not appeal

To the generous,

To the honorable,

To the brave,

To people that should inspire.

 

Even with the road behind

And the fight ahead

This war in my head

Will never end.

Insecurities push through

There’s nothing but one thing I can do.

Fight to the top

No matter what I won’t ever stop

I’ll do my best to ensure

That nobody I meet has to feel

Alone,

Dead,

Anything but beautiful and alive.

 

Everyone should be humane

Put others in front of themselves

Help those in need,

That is true humanity.

 

“Rise, throw away the charade of your life
Let the flame of my heart, burn away
Your complacence tonight
I command you to rise
Wash away the decay of your life
Feel the light of your eyes
Find the way through the darkness tonight
Fearing no one”
-Disturbed  “Rise”

 

Hero

Everyone waits for a hero

To save them as they fall

They become what they fear

I refuse to see

Myself become that way

I have to become a hero

To save myself

I have to learn to fly

Before I hit the ground.

 

Stand tall,

Brace for impact,

This storm won’t knock me down

I’ll watch as my feet root in the ground

Like the eldest tree

My body won’t move

I have nothing to lose

It’s all or nothing

 

Why go half way

Then stop to be safe

We have one life

On this world

So we have to make it count.

 

I want to be the hero

To inspire others to aspire

To greater things,

Show them the world can be amazing,

Show them life’s not always bleak.

There’s no reason to fall

When the sun is coming.

 

“Give up everything forfeit, all you can
Fear no evil become more than just a man
Bravery is meek keep on pushing through
Hold your head up high the hero lies in you”
-Dahvie Insanity “Immortalized”

 

Unicorns

The truth can be fatal

Who were is always labeled

Do we stay in line?

And treat those who oppress us as divine?

 

Or do we rise

Show them we are individuals

We are not a collective hive mind.

Standing up to those who hurt us

Those who would rather see us fail

Is the only way to be free

It’s the only future I see for me..

 

No matter your

Gender;

Sex;

Beliefs;

Race;

We can all stand together

And embrace our differences

Instead of attack them.

 

Like unicorns

We all are different and unique.

 

“Tell me now, who taught you how to hate?
Because it isn’t in your blood
Not a part of what you’re made
So let this be understood
Somebody taught you how to hate
When you live this way you become
Dead to everyone”
-Disturbed  “Who Taught You How To Hate”

Writing credit to Raea Nyxx
Photography credit to Raea Nyxx

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